Post-Traumatic Tech Disorder

Often, I think of things.  I classify them as such (as "things") because the range and magnitude of these thoughts vary.  A lot.  Where I tend to spend most of my time is in the quagmire of the application of scientific discovery.  Sure, anyone can run around and tell the world about all the cool stuff we could do if a certain scientific breakthrough occurs.

Myself though… I tend to think of what’s going to get most negatively impacted by the discovery.  My latest thoughts have been dealing with parallel dimensions and/or time travel (depending on your viewpoints of the topics, the latter probably creates more of the former).  And what do I think will be most impacted by it?

The legal system.

Just think about it.  When science proves the existence of parallel dimensions, DNA evidence is no longer set in stone and lawyers can start dragging scientists into court to introduce reasonable doubt. 

"So, your evidence is tied to my client’s DNA, correct?  But what if it isn’t really his DNA?  There are any number of dimensions where my client exists in some variation.  How can we know without a reasonable doubt that the DNA is from my client in this dimension and not from some duplicate in another dimension who’d have exactly the same DNA as my client."

And then there’d be the imminent collapse of child support… and the Maury Povich Show. 

"And the results are in.  Bubba Jethro, you ARE the father."

"Now jes’ hang on there a sec, Maury.  I gots me a letter here from one of those scientist types that says the DNA in that there boy might not be mine.  It could be the seed of one of them evil dopplemegangers from another Die-mension."

"Bubba Jethro, you lying [bleepity bleep]!  You know damn well you’re my baby’s father.  Dopplemeganger, my ass.  I seen Star Trek and I know how ta spot one of those goateed evil [bleep bleepers] when I see ’em."

As 6PM rolls around and everyone jokes and hahas about the end of days, some of us may want to fine-tune our survival skills… just to be on the safe side.  I can’t cover all the scenarios in such a short time, so lets just hit the big DOs and DON’Ts.

DOs…

• Learn how to build a fire.  It helped primitive man rise to power and it certainly makes for tasty (and less diseased) foodstuffs.  Wanton travelers of the post-apocalyptic realm will know you’re living large because you smell of smoke.
• Know how to properly stab stuff.  Sure, we’ve stockpiled enough ammo around the States to last for a decade or two after the collapse of civilization, but we’ll eventually run out.  When we do, you better get with the stabbity-stab quickity-quick or you’ll be deadity-dead.
• Water falls from the sky.  You can make it weeks without food but only days without water.  It’s important and it just falls from the sky… and does so more often in places like rain forests and Seattle.
• Travel in packs.  Someone has to slow the zombies down and if you’re lone-wolfing it, that someone is you.  Gather up your wall of sacrificial lambs while you can.  Hey, it worked for Invader Zim in the Hobo 13 episode.  Just make sure you replenish your stock regularly.  Waiting until the last minute to bring in new reserves increases your chances of becoming a lone wolf… and we know what happens then.

DON’Ts…

• Recklessly set everything on fire.  Flames are not conducive to the "living" lifestyle.  They take away breathable air, destroy flesh, and give insurance companies fits (although, it is good advertising for them).  Remember… fire = good.   You in the fire = bad.
• Stab everything.  You still need those sacrificial lambs to slow the zombies.  Animals are easier to take around if they can walk themselves.  Eyes don’t work so well with holes in them.
• Move to the rain forest or Seattle.  The zombie hordes know you’re going there for the abundance of fresh water, and they’ll be laying in wait to snack on some well-hydrated brain jellies.  Don’t be fooled and always remember the words of Admiral Ackbar… "It’s a trap!". 
• Trust anyone.  Groups lead to socialization.  Socialization leads to factions.  Factions lead to politics.  Politics lead to betrayal.  Come on, haven’t you watched Survivor?  Plus in the days after the end days, people will be more cutthroat as they achieve higher levels of crankiness and bitchiness than ever before.  "Oh, I lost my house and my dog and my seven figure salary.  Boo-hoo."  "I can’t believe it’s gone.  That car was a classic and I rebuilt it with my own hands."  "I’d effin’ kill for some chocolate.  Or beer.  Or chocolate beer.  Can you combine chocolate and beer?  I must be dehydrated cause I’m feelin’ kinda loopy."